A colleague recently committed suicide and as with most suicides – it took many of us by surprise. After the initial shock passed – the question most asked was “Why?”
This man was to many of us the gold standard of what we think a human being should be – energetic, outgoing, thoughtful, a humanitarian, an inspiration to everyone who crossed his path and a person who brought out the best in the people around him. Why would a man like this take his own life?
On some level – I get it. I don’t know what the reasons were for this particular suicide – but I do get what can push a person to their limits where they think suicide is the only choice. I spent a good portion of my teenaged years and early twenties contemplating suicide. The result of being an “A” personality perfectionist. You see – when you are an “A” personality perfectionist – nothing you do – and I mean nothing – is ever good enough. You are in a constant state of failure. Failing on a daily and hourly basis is not an easy place to be and sometimes suicide (or the thought of suicide) seems like the only way to stop the self loathing and disappointment.
Somehow some of us have managed to come to grips with the demons that haunt us daily – accepting them and plodding ahead. And yet – there is still one area of my psyche that is not protected from suicide. That is my personal definition of who I am and the perimeters of that definition. Let me explain it this way. I finally quit smoking this year – after thirty years – and I quit by tapping into that dark area of my psyche. I promised a child that I would not smoke. That’s it. I would never knowingly break a promise to a child – never – and if I picked up a cigarette – I would destroy that defining definition of who I am. Without that definition – who would I be? Answer? I don’t know – and I’m not sure I could live in that new reality.
To my dear colleague – you were an inspiration and you will be greatly missed. I’m sorry that you were unable to conquer your demons. To my friends and colleagues who are still fighting their demons – keep an open dialogue – you are not alone in your dark thoughts.