This morning my yoga instructor announced that we were going to start off the class with a little meditation. I closed my eyes in pleasure. Once again – I was exactly where I needed to be. Last night I truly had one of the worst sleeps I have had in years. I woke up dozens of times and always for the same reason – guilt over some indiscretion I made a month ago – a year ago – twenty years ago – forty years ago. I should have thanked this person for their help, I should have been kinder to that one, I should have told this person how much I appreciated them, etc., etc. – it was a parade of people from my past – each glaring at me in disdain and unable to hear my apologies. I smiled at my yoga instructor as she began to explain the purpose of this meditation: A love and kindness meditation. Perfect. I settled into a comfortable sitting position and took a deep breath. I really needed this. I had always admired people who could meditate. Every now and then I got an inkling of what meditation could be like – those moments when the noise stopped. Wow – that would be wonderful and today that journey of discovery was going to start. You know – although the intent was there – somehow things didn’t go as planned. This is what went on in my head:
My instructor: The first part is about showing kindness and loving to yourself.
Me: OK – I can do this.
Instructor: May I be happy.
Me: “Happy” is such a relative word – I mean compared to how I was years ago – yeah – I guess I’m happy – but what does my happiness mean to the rest of the world? Is it relevant? Who cares if I am happy? What if I never accomplish another thing in my life cause I’m too intent about being happy?
Instructor: May I be well.
Me: Well? Physically or mentally? Or both? I’m still trying to get happy.
Instructor: May I be safe.
Me: Well – true – everyone deserves to feel safe.
Instructor: May I be peaceful and at ease.
Me: Wow – that is so not gonna happen today. Not after last night and not when I can’t seem to wrap my head around the happiness thing.
I mentally slapped myself up the side my head to bring me back to the original intention. I furrowed my brow and tried to concentrate on the instructor’s words. She began to guide us through the next section of the meditation. Wishing the same thing (be happy, be well, be safe, be peaceful and at ease) to our friends and family. I breathed deeply and followed her prompting – pausing briefly with warm thoughts towards all the people I knew and loved. The next section was to wish the same thing to neutral people (those nameless people we come in contact with daily). Again – deep breaths and warm thoughts towards my fellow human beings. Then she got to the last section of the meditation – wishing the same thing to the difficult person.
Instructor: May you be happy.
Me: You know – honestly – I wish I could go there but right now I’m still working at not letting them annoy me. I guess not wishing they’d drop dead is progress. I do like pretending they don’t exist but that’s probably not a good thing.
Needless to say – I didn’t have the best of classes today. Was still trying to wrap my head around the happiness thing. Oh well – as they say in yoga (and Gone with the Wind) – tomorrow is another day.